March 5, 2009

I'm Not Doing Well

**Update: 4:15pm** Thank you for your sweet comments (and e-mail), I really appreciate it. I've had a MUCH better afternoon. Kyle took Maddox and me to lunch and then Maddox and I took a little road trip and he fell asleep and we snuggled in Starbucks for awhile together while he dozed. It's amazing what a chocolate chip cookie and sweet drink can do to brighten down spirits:-) And, of course just getting out of the house! I appreciate your prayers, they mean so much!

I'm struggling right now.

It's hard to put this in a blog post because I know I'll get flooded comments "trust God", "be patient", "God's timing is perfect", yada yada yada.

I know those things. I really do, and I'm trying really hard.

The last 2 days I've been overcome with depression and today I've lost it. I'm in sweats and I can't stop crying.

I know she has to come some time. I know that it's not even my due date. I know that God has already predestined the day she's going to be born.

But, my anxiety rises each day because I have horrible fears that I won't be able to deliver her on my own because she'll be too big. I know they're not rational. I know a few extra ounces each day aren't going to be the difference between me being able to deliver her or me not being able to deliver her. But, the anxieties are still there. I'm scared out of my mind. By this point with Maddox I had had him 2 days ago and he was big, I had a traumatic delivery, and a not-so-fun recovery. Those fears loom over me.

It doesn't help that I have painful contractions every day almost all day long. There's always that question, "is this it?" I don't have anything going on right now, we've been sitting at home and I'm feeling bored out of my mind. I know I should go somewhere today, but I can't stop crying long enough to be able to apply new eye make-up and not look like a freak.

I know this is all stupid. It's not even my due date yet!!! But something inside feels out of control and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to bury myself in a hole until it really IS time. I don't want to show up at church one more Sunday and be bombarded with questions, "she's not here yet?"

They will induce me tomorrow if I want. Believe me, it sounds wonderful from one side of the spectrum. Then, I get flooded with all the "what if's" of being induced and then that freaks me out and makes me want to cry even more.

I just want somebody to tell me what to do. I just want to know what day she'll be here. Everything is ready for her, we're just waiting and that's REALLY HARD.


Joel and Andi said...

Emily...I can only imagine what you are going through and how hard it must be. Wish we could do more, but know that Joel and I are praying for you through out the day.

Anonymous said...

i can totally see myself responding very similar to your situation if i were in your shoes. that is a lot to think about! i hope you can have some peace before she begins to come even though you dont know when and how.
we will also keep praying for you and kyle and juliette!

Cheryl said...

Emily I love you and am praying for you today.

Hannah said...

I remember thinking the same thing about big babies and wondering whether or not I would be able to pop them out! It definitely is very scary, especially seeing as you've already had a bad experience. I'm so sorry for you! I'm praying for you. :)

Candice said...

Hey Emily, I appreciate you being so real and honest. Way to go! When I feel that bad I have a hard time telling anyone besides my husband how I am really doing. Anyways, I just wanted to try and encourage you as I can understand how you feel. They've been telling me our baby might be big too and that I should still consider a c-section! Even though I have the support at the hospital to try for a VBAC they still mention a c-section at every midwife visit! I have just been trying to persevere in prayer and believe that the Lord is in control of it all. I am not due for like another 2 weeks, but every day I feel the same,"Oh Lord, let him come soon so he is not too big!" But, it's true, God will bring our babies forth in his time. And though you know it in your head, I pray it will sink to your heart as well. The Lord knows your tears and all that you are going through...he will give you strength and bring your baby forth too, in his time. Fear is not from the Lord...and we're in a battle I would just encourage you to pray, and when you can't pray for yourself, ask Kyle to pray for you and over you, or call someone and ask them to pray if Kyle is not available.

I just had a friend have a baby on Monday, she is very small like you and she was 5 or 6 days overdue. Well she delivered naturally a 8 pound 15 ounce baby, that's almost a nine pounder! I was encouraged by that! However I dread being pregnant so long...I am due around the 20th.
Anyways, I am praying for you. Thanks for your prayers too! We will meet our babies soon!!

Much love to you!

Alec and Becky said...

Emily, I wandered to your blog and read your post today. I'm praying for you!!! ~Becky (Wanamaker) Paul
(not sure if you remember me...we went to MBC together)

Cheryl said...

yeah for starbucks!!! and a wonderful husband!! and your welcome.:)

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that Starbucks and some time out of the house with Kyle and Maddox was good for you. I have been praying for you this afternoon (since Bethany mentioned your blog post to me) and I think that if I were in your position I would be going crazy too... mainly because you don't have other things really occupying your mind. I think that really helped me. I was working and going to different church things even ON my due date - it kept me moving forward and it was my way of saying "Lord, I trust that you have perfect timing for Corban to join us" - ALSO just wanted to mention that if labor doesn't go well, it is such a blessing to live in a time where C-sections are very safe and you do heal relatively quickly. So the alternative isn't the end of the world... remember the goal is to hold that sweet little girl in your arms (regardless of how they get her out of you!). Much love and prayers.